First person: How churches can respond to growing epidemic of adult child estrangement

We are discovering more and more Christian parents and grandparents sitting in church pews suffering silently as they face the intense pain of their adult children’s unexpected estrangement.

It seems to be a trend taking place nationally, maybe even globally, where adult children are severing their relationships with parents, and it has reached epidemic proportions.

Grieving people still alive

In America today, roughly one in 10 adults reports being estranged from a child. One in 17 adults reports estrangement from a grandchild. Behind those numbers are millions of parents and grandparents grieving people who are still alive.

“There’s something qualitatively different between a bad, distant or conflictual relationship and one where a person is cut off entirely — where somebody, despite family ties, obligations and social norms, says, ‘I’m never going to see you again,’” writes Karl Pillemer, a professor of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine. He describes estrangement as the issue that has been “hiding in plain sight.”

But statistics cannot measure what this kind of estrangement feels like to a mother or grandmother. She may sit beside you in church every Sunday, singing the hymns, smiling at friends, serving on a committee, teaching a class or bowing her head during prayer. Few people around her may know she has not heard her adult child’s voice in months or years. They may not know she has missed birthdays, holidays, weddings, graduations or precious years in a grandchild’s life.

She carries a grief that is difficult to explain because the person she loves is still alive. There is no funeral, no sympathy card, no casserole delivered to her door and often no public acknowledgment that she is grieving at all. Instead, she lives with unanswered questions: What happened? What did I do? Will my child ever speak to me again? Will I ever hold my grandchild again?

Faithful prayers

When mothers and grandmothers pray faithfully for reconciliation and it hasn’t happened, they may wonder why God remains silent. They may feel embarrassed to admit what has happened, afraid others will judge their parenting or assume they must have done something terrible. So, they suffer quietly, sometimes for years, sitting in our churches and desperately needing the church to see
them.

These mothers and grandmothers need a special type of ministry from pastors, church leaders and church members. In our nation’s churches today, there are few, if any, special Bible studies and support ministries aimed at estranged mothers and grandmothers, a desperate need that is “hiding in plain sight,” but has been largely unacknowledged.

Until now.

‘Waiting in the Meantime’

We at TAB Media Group have partnered with author Denise George to produce a turnkey church ministry, complete with participant workbook and free downloadable PDF leader’s guide, to help mothers and grandmothers deal with estrangement from their adult children and grandchildren.

“Waiting in the Meantime: A Guided Journey Toward Hope and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children” is a new 8-week Bible study created specifically for mothers and grandmothers of estranged adult children. Through biblical teaching, personal stories, guided reflection, practical encouragement, journaling exercises and prayer, George gently walks alongside women who are navigating one of life’s most difficult relationships.

Trusting God

In this new study, estranged mothers and grandmothers will discover how to:

• Find hope when reconciliation seems uncertain
• Release guilt, shame, fear and anger into God’s hands
• Trust God with their adult children and grandchildren
• Experience God’s comfort in seasons of deep grief
• Continue living with purpose while they wait
• Draw closer to Christ through prayer and Scripture
• Find peace even when circumstances remain unresolved.

Ultimate hope in Christ

Most importantly, mothers and grandmothers in your church and community will discover that while reconciliation is a beautiful hope, their ultimate hope rests in Christ whose love remains steadfast, whose presence never leaves them and whose faithfulness is greater than every unanswered question.

For more information, visit booksbytab.org.

NOTE — The focus of this article is about the loving and responsible Christian parent or grandparent. In the case of parental abuse and other such situations, estrangement may be recommended for safety and protection.