Before I throw a pity party about parenting a teenager in 2023, let’s be clear: it’s always been a challenge — with or without the internet and today’s cultural challenges.
Well over 100 years ago, Mark Twain said, “When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through a bung hole, until he reaches 16 … at which time you plug the bung hole.” I can’t help but wonder what he’d say today.
No big newsflash that parenting a teenager isn’t easy — and at times crazy difficult. While that statement isn’t groundbreaking or anything new, I need to apologize to my wife.
A few weeks ago, she wanted to deploy a similar declaration on Facebook while celebrating our daughter’s 15th birthday. I advised against it for a couple reasons. First, we have one child, so I didn’t expect we’d get much sympathy from parents whose families are closer to the size of the Brady Bunch. Also, I didn’t want her to risk getting “mom shamed” (yea, it’s a real thing) by those who thought she was throwing her kid under the bus on her birthday.
Did I overthink it? Probably, but parenting seems particularly treacherous these days — especially with social media. (See related story to learn more on how your church can help families navigate these issues.) I recall another parent declaring that “Snapchat is from the devil.” Sometimes, I can’t help but agree. With that said, we eventually allowed our daughter to have an account — following many conversations about the dangers. Sigh. It’s complicated.
Trial … and a lot of error
All that to say, I’ve learned some lessons along the way — mostly through trial and a lot of error:
First, I’ve accepted there isn’t a formula on parenting — I’ve really tried to find it. Sure, I’ve read a lot of books and articles about parenting and how kids are leaving the Church when they go off to college. But we all are coming to the table with different stories, personalities, strengths — and plenty of weaknesses. I get frustrated when I see memes and social media posts on parenting that declare there is only one way to handle education, sports, internet use and screen time, clothing choices, etc. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. This is where a lot of prayer, Scripture and guidance from the Holy Spirit comes in handy to help navigate each situation.
Second, I’ve learned that it’s OK to admit when you mess up. You’re going to make mistakes and say and do dumb things as a parent. It usually seems to help when I acknowledge that I didn’t handle a particular situation well. I’ve found that during the teen years I’m doing more apologizing — while also learning where I need to stand my ground and change course in other situations.
Third, the earlier you can talk about the important things, the better. If an opportunity surfaces to address a sticky topic, don’t miss it. Even if it’s a little awkward, or if I fumble over my words, I’ve found that it’s usually better to get something on the record about an important topic. You can circle back if you need to clarify something. Don’t let the internet and social media be the lone voice on the issues that really matter.
Ultimately, you have to carefully pick the hills you are going to die on. While it’s tempting to lead with “no,” it’s usually better to go with “how about this instead?” The key is to keep pointing to the Word and praying for your family every day.
Yes, parenting can be CRAZY difficult — and it’s OK to admit that.
